Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

Thursday night my best friend from my "old" work came over to see me. She hadn't seen the baby in a while and we hadn't seen each other in forever either! It was so nice to catch up - but part of it was painful. Jenn and I hit it off pretty much from the beginning. We both loved shoes, purses, grammar, and working downtown. We had crazy adventures together ranging from tripping face first on the circle to being followed back to work after doing some investigations. We loved getting breakfast together at the Chase building and sneaking out in the afternoons for "1/4th pound fudge" from South Bend chocolate. She quickly became one of my best friends. We were incredibly alike in many ways, and so different in others that it provided good, and never heated, conversation. Working with your best friend makes your job, even on the worst days, super fun.

She came and sat with me in the delivery room for a couple of hours - trying to make me laugh with silly gift and jokes and inside jokes, while I breathed through contractions.

But Thursday was different. I've been gone from work now for almost a year. There have been new people hired that I don't know at all. She's gotten really close to the person I hired to fill my job, and it's hard not to be jealous of that. It's so hard to look at someone I care about so much, and not be a little jealous that their life hasn't changed 180 degrees. She still gets to go to the mall and scope out bargins from our favorite stores. Ido miss that part of my life sometimes. So often I am in shorts and a t-shirt all day. Maybe leaving the house to go to the post office or the library.

It was my choice to quit my job. Steve and I talked for hours about it - but ultimatley it was my desicion. He said something very wise that I'll never forget. "Of course I think it's best for one of us to be home with our daughter, but it's more important that you're happy. If you're not happy you're not going to be the mom you want to be." He was right.

But I love being at home. I hate to admit it, but no one was tougher on stay at home moms than I. I always thought "what a waste." Now, I know it's the hardest, most noble thing you can do. YES I miss my job sometimes - YES I wish that on the hard days she was somewhere else ... but that's just selfishness. We had a baby because we were ready to put our own desires second. I'm NOT saying that moms who continue to work are selfish - not at all!! I'm saying that I get selfish when I sit and pout about "everything I gave up" to be at home with Madeline. It's so challenging and I am constantly on my toes. But, it's also more rewarding than any job I've ever had. Seeing her smile - seeing her crawl for the first time or clap her hands for the first time - makes alllll those hard days worth it.

A part of me mourns for the part of me I left at my job. I miss putting on suits everyday and going to meetings and using "that" part of my brain. But I haven't given it up forever. I can certainly give Madeline these few years of my life. Soon she'll be in school and I can go back to school too - or go back to work then. I have a feeling when she finally goes off to school I'll be crying, wishing for the days when I got to hang out at home with her all day.

It was soooo good to see Jenn - to catch up on all the goings on at the office and talk about things besides babies. I need those evenings spent catching up with those people I love so much. But, it's still a distant second to holding my sleeping baby in my arms, trying to figure out where the last 10 months went.