Tripping the Prom Queen

I just finished a book called Tripping the Prom Queen - the eternal struggle between women. It's all about jealousy and how wherever there's a group of girls/women - there's struggle.

I hate that. It's rediculous.

Not to say that I'm impervious - I get jealous over the stupidest of things.....but I just hate it. Mostly, I hate to think about Madeline going through all of the crap I had to go through in Jr High and High School. I remember being so desperate to be in the "in crowd" in my small class of 16. (yes sixteen) Finally, I would say about 10th grade I "made it in" and I was......so disappointed. The girl talked endlessly about clothes, boys, and other girls. I mean, I wasn't looking to talk about Immigration Reform or Kafka or anything......but I just didn't want to be shallow ALL the time. Finally I just gave up and started dressing and acting like me - just Erin - faults and all and then, I was happier (and more popular ironically) than I had ever been when I was "posing."

But still, it was a really rough time. I can't even recall how many times I came home and cried because a girl, or boy, didn't like me. I don't know how my mom did it.

I have to agree that women seem to be naturally competitive. I just don't know why. Maybe it's because we're all so insecure. I remember one girl in my class who was super thin but always did that "I'm so fat" thing. It drove me nuts. I was always a rail and I kept my mouth shut about it. I was happy with it. (though I took it for granted I now see) Now, after my dear baby was born I'm left with a body that still....doesn't feel quite mine. I still look "thin" because I can dress to hide it and I carry most of it in my tummy. But, I feel like I can't really talk about it with anyone because then I'm going to be that annoying girl who is relativly thin - but still thinks she's "fat."

I don't think I'm fat- I just want my old body back!! Everything feels different - my shoulders are wider, my feet are bigger, my stomach is certainly different and my hips I think are permanently widened. I wish I could talk to someone about it, but I don't want people to think I'm anorexic or something.

sigh

See, there is a typical Erin personality flaw......I babble. I go on and on and talk way to much. I wonder if there's something I can take for that.

anywho - back to the topic at hand. I think women are so mean because we're all so stinking insecure. I remember the girls I was the meanest to in High School were the ones I was the most jealous of. It's funny, with my new mom friends we'll sometimes talk about what we don't like about ourselves and I'll think "I never even noticed that" or "I don't see that at all." I think someone said something about her neck or chin or something once and I was like "What are you talking about? your neck looks fine!" I remember feeling jealous of how beautiful and coiffed so many of them were.

Perspective is an amazing thing. Anyone who knows me knows I hate my nose. I hate it so much. When I was working I was considering getting it fixed and my boss came in with an article about a famous model who had a bump in her nose like me and didn't fix it and it became her trademark.

well, I'll remember that should the modeling company be so delusional as to contact me.

I guess, I wish we could all get over ourselves. We're all beautiful. We all have different gifts and talents and that's exactly what I want my daughter around - diversity.