There were never such devoted sisters

It surprises many people to find out that I am the youngest of 4 children. Everyone always thinks I'm an "only." I hope it's not because I act like a brat, and more so because there are 12 and 10 years between us respectively.

The oldest of all of us is Shawn. She's 12 years older than I am - so by the time I was in the 3rd grade she was in college. Needless to say I just don't have a lot of memories with her from my childhood. My brother Pat is the next oldest and then Joy - both 10 years older than I. I didn't really get to "know" Pat until he and I lived together a few years back. Joy and I were always the most "alike." Both melancholy, my mother used to say that we weren't happy unless we were unhappy. Probably true. When we talk on the phone now and we have to say something that may be hard to hear we'll say "Melancholy to melancholy."

But even as an adult I just never reconnected with Shawn. She got married and had children by the time I was a teenager and by then I was too full of angst and self consciousness to think about anyone else. I was always kind of embarrassed by Shawn. She was incredibly outgoing and friendly. She'd strike up a conversation with anyone who would listen from the bagger at the grocery to the bank teller. She's one of those people who doesn't have that "net" to stop what she thinks from coming straight out her mouth. Yes, we're all guilty of this at times, but my sister constantly lived this way. It mortified me. When I would bring a boyfriend round for the holidays I would always be consumed with worry about her over-bubbliness. I was horrified that she'd say something to embarrass me.

Yeah I know. "Self absorbed much Erin?" I'll say it for you.

In the past year or two, my sister has seen more hardships than most see in decades. It has shut her down and made her introverted and almost...shy. Her life is a hard one now, and my heart breaks daily for her. I was driving the other day thinking of her, and it just occurred to me how much I missed my sister.

For whatever part I had in her ceasing to be who she is - I will be eternally sorry. Sure, I can tell myself that it's the 234098 other difficult things in her life, far more important to her than my opinion, but - I don't have to think about those other things at night. I have to think of the mean looks I gave her when she embarrassed me. Perhaps even the pointed words I used to shut her up.

She's my sister. We don't have a lot in common, but she's my sister - my blood. If I had to endure all that she's had to - I probably wouldn't have made it. She's not a quitter. She's the turtle who keeps that steady pace, come hell or high water. I'm that psycho rabbit that is so overdriven he races for the finish , and then just quits riiiight at the end when something difficult happens.

My sister doesn't read my blog. She'll never see this.

Shawn,

I'm sorry. The words are trite, but my heart is contrite. I love you so much, and I'm sorry about everything in your life that is hard. Just like my own child, I wish I could hide you away somewhere where you'd be safe forever. For anything I've ever done or said that has caused you pain, I am truly truly broken over it. The effervescence and charisma you exhibited was something that I now so much admire. It made you stand out from the millions of drones around you. I love you, and I believe in you, and I'm sorry.

Erin