Because I could not stop for death

It was a normal Saturday morning. Steve had gotten up with the baby while I caught up on some Zs. (I know, he's wonderful!!) That night we had both caught a whiff of something that smelled "hot." When I plunked downstairs a little later, I noticed that the furnace was making a horrible squeaking and whirring noise. "No!" I said to myself "It can't be the furnace!" It can't be the top of the line furnace that was put into our home 3 short years ago by one of the "best" HVAC companies in Indiana. Not the "best" unit they make so that we wouldn't have to replace it for 30 some odd years! Not THAT furnace! Yep, that furnace!

We ignored it for a while, thinking that it was just cold and would work itself out. Ha! Within 10 minutes we both noticed that horrible smell again. I told Steve he was going to have to call them on Monday because this was nuts! We have had NOTHING BUT PROBLEMS WITH THIS UNIT SINCE IT WAS PUT IN! However it became clear that something was going to have to be done ASAP. He called the company in question and was.....promptly put on hold. Meanwhile, I walked back upstairs and was greeted by smoke coming out of each and every vent! It smelled like burned rubber! I shouted down to Steve and we started turning on all of the fans in the house, and opening up doors. Apparently we didn't do it soon enough. The fire alarms went off. I say alarms because every single fire alarm in our house is linked together. If one goes of - they all go off!

The dogs start flipping out. They hate the fire alarms even more than the dryer. They're barking and whining and trying to climb up our legs. I am trying to cover little Madeline's ears while pulling her out of her high chair. Steve finally gets taken off hold and tells the *very caring* secretary that we need someone to come out because there is smoke coming out of all of our vents. She tells him to call the fire department and hangs up. (Yeah, if you have never seen someone literally spit bullets before you should have seen us!) I called my neighbor and asked her if we could come hang out at her house for a while. She of course said yes so we traipse over there with some snacks and toys. Meanwhile Steve is on the phone with the local fire department explaining that nothing is on fire, at least that we could see, but the house was filled with smoke.

The PFD, being overjoyed that it wasn't just a "cat in a tree" (it's a reeeeeeally small town), sent out a firetruck et al . . . I saw them wheeling in all kinds of "gear" to the house. They did a through investigation and found that the motor in our "top of the line" furnace had basically blown up and caught on fire. That's just great! And yes, this is the same "top of the line" furnace that had the Mother Board go out, the damper fuse shut, and the thermostat stop working. If this was a car it would be a lemon, no questions asked! They set up some industrial fans to blow out the smoke so that our clothes and walls wouldn't smell like rubber smoke. One fireman said to Steve, "The good news is that there's no damage to the house, the bad news is that we're going to have to take your Camaro with us." Ha ha! They were nice folks and very helpful.

Meanwhile, Madeline and I were camped out at Ken and Betty's house playing with beanie babies. Betty was SO AWESOME and just let Madeline wander around looking at and getting into everything. About 45 minutes later we got the all clear sign from Steve so we came back home. The HVAC company was going to send someone out to look at the problem (after Steve called back and reminded them about our smoke issue). He ended up coming (2 hours later than they said he would be there) and basically saying there was nothing he could do for us until Monday. YUM! I can't wait until we need another furnace because we are TOTALLY getting one from you! (NOT!!!)

So, we had quite the start to our morning! I had some errands to run so I packed up the car and left Madeline and Steve home to deal with the HVAC man. I dropped off a load at Goodwill (why does that always feel SO good?) and returned some things at Kohls while meeting up with Emily to return Gabby's precious lovey. We drooled over baby clothes for a while, and then after she left I wandered over to Juniors to see if there was anything on the 80% off rack I couldn't live without. I got a text from one of my former students, asking if I had "heard" about another student of mine. A million things raced through my mind, most of which were not very good. I answered her with a "no" and hoped that maybe it was something good. Maybe he got into Harvard or something. A few minutes later she called me back and I could tell from her tone that it was not good news. I think I knew it my bones right then that it was the worst possible news, but I kept "hoping" for something else. Maybe it's just some gossip - maybe he got a DUI or got kicked out of his house. But, she isn't one to spread rumors, so there wasn't much hope in my thoughts.

"He killed himself yesterday."

You know how in the movies when someone gets really bad news they always like fall to their knees in slow motion? You always hear their pounding heart and see them clutch their chest. It always seems just a little melodramatic. Right as she said it I felt my knees start to collapse. I sort of limped over to a display and sat down. I notice some people look at me as I peppered the phone with questions. My chest felt like someone had blown up a huge balloon inside of it and I couldn't come up with a pin to relieve it. If I had had anything of substance to eat, it would have all come up I'm just sure of it.

She filled me in with the little information she knew and told me she'd call back when she found out more about funeral arrangements. I just sat there stunned. I had him in class for one year. He took British Literature with me. He was a good kid. I remember that he wrote an excellent research paper on government subsidy of farmland, and that he was the only member of the basketball team who could dunk. He had a real sweetness to him. His mom was also a teacher and his dad worked at the school as well, so even after he graduated he would still hang around here and there. He would poke his head into my classroom and say "Heeeeeeeeeeeeey Miss Van" real silly. I believe the last time I saw him was at another former student's funeral.

I called Steve and told him the news - needing to try to relieve some the pressure in my chest and pain in my heart. He didn't know exactly what to say, but tried his best to let me know he understood. I came right home and pretty much just went to bed and cried for a while. he let me be, which was exactly what I needed. After a while, he suggested we all get cleaned up and go to dinner at Panera. It was nice to go out alone as a family and Madeline ate more broccoli soup than I did!

As I have tried to make sense of all of this in my head over the past 48 hours, Steve has been as strong, as sensitive, and as supportive as ever. He listened to me when I talked, and didn't push me when I didn't want to say a word. He took over Madeline responsibilities 100% and didn't mention a thing when I left my dirty dishes out, or decided to eat taffy and pretzels for dinner. I feel very fortunate to have him during this hard time. I am very blessed.

I have been trying to reconcile everything in my head. Why someone so young with so much life ahead of him would make such a drastic decision. My memories of him are not of a morose, unhappy teenager, but a shy, sweet kid who worked extra hard. I had to admit that my thoughts over the past days have been mostly selfish and only a few times have I paused to think of his family - perhaps because when I try to put myself in their shoes, I literally feel the weight of something that is truly too much to bear. I know now firsthand the love you have for your children and I do not know how I could find the strength to put one foot in front of the other. I guess I can only pray for them to have strength and that I will try to never overlook possible signs in my own child. It just sort of makes a fire that didn't destroy anything seem a little trivial.

Gather ye Rosebuds While Ye May
Old Time is still a'flying
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will e dying.