Longing for REM or Why my dog has soft lips

In the set up of our Master bedroom, somehow - BOTH of the dogs sleep on my "side" of the bed. Austin (big dog) sleeps in his own bed in the corner and Sugar Baby (backup dog) sleeps on a little paw shaped pillow right by my bed - literally I mean where I would put my feet in the morning. This was especially fun when I was getting up 3 times a night to nurse the baby who was....you guessed it...also in our room. But I digress...



My husband and my routine is to watch the news, make marital chitchat, and then I turn over to read whatever various book in which I am, at present, engrossed. (Which happens at the moment to be Freakonomics which is FANTASTIC) By this time the dogs are in deep sleep which means -



SNORING.



Snoring by an 85 pound, 8 year old Labrador. Imagine a fog horn with paper towel stuffed down the horn. It is SO LOUD there is no possible way I can focus on my book, let alone trying to enter REM sleep. I try whispering his name but that's useless and even I can't hear myself over his snoring. So the conundrum began - how do I wake him up and get him to shift positions without waking up my husband, freaking out Sugar Baby, or startling him so much he goes into a barking fit.



I spent about a week trying to figure this out. Adding to the nocturnal noises is the train that runs through Pendleton. It runs all day and all night and even though we're miles away and one CERTAIN husband assured me you "can't hear it from the house" when he was trying to coax me into marrying him....alas, I can still hear it. AND, it often plays little tunes on said horn since it assumes NO ONE would be up listening to the trains.



Unless, of course, they have the great snoring dog.



So, one night, not to long ago as I tossed and turned in bed listening to my dog saw logs - it came to me. What do we do to our husbands when THEY snore? We jab them in the ribs with our elbow until they slightly wake up and roll over, and then we roll over quick so they don't know we jabbed them.



Well, since I can't exactly nudge Austin - I had to come up with another option. Throwing things at him. Don't get all upset, not rocks or chocolate or books or anything - just little things that I would have on my nightstand at a give moment. This usually ends up being chapsticks and floss. (Floss on my nightstand being the topic for another post) So the other night, as I was finishing up my chapter, I heard the rumbling from the corner. I slipped down under my duvet, checked to make sure my husband was asleep (not exaaaaaaaaaaactly sure he'd appreciate my plan) and sneaked a chapstick off my nightstand. Then, I slowly - carefully - lobbed it at his head.



It worked! He startled, and then shifted and it was back to a nice quiet room. Ok ok, I didn't hit him in the head, I just hit his leg or something. But it worked! Joy! Too bad I couldn't throw chapstick at the train....



2 nights ago the snoring got out of control again. I hadn't restocked my arsenal, so I felt around on my nightstand to see what I had... the only thing I could find that wouldn't cause harm was a paper clip. Not the dinky ones, but like the black ones with two "legs" that fold down and snap over a larger group of papers. It wasn't sharp so I thought it would be just fine as my chosen projectile. I checked on my husband, and tossed the clip ever so lightly at the dog.



It didn't work! He didn't move! It was the only bullet in my gun. I felt around my nightstand - mints - no, a water bottle - no, reading lamp - no. ARG! Then I heard him move a little. SAVED! He stopped snoring! Thank goodness! I turned over and cuddled up to my husband, very proud of myself. But then I heard a rattle.



He had lain back down ON TOP OF THE PAPER CLIP! So with every breath he took he was making it rattle. And within a minute he was snoring again. FOG HORN....rattle rattle.....FOG HORN....rattle rattle. You can't make this stuff up folks!



I was sort of losing my temper and thinking about just throwing myself at the dog, but got ahold of myself. (Literally) Next thing I knew, I was waking up the next morning.



I haven't come up with a solution, but I've given up on the projectile theory. Austin was starting to have both softer lips and cleaner teeth than me.