I love my little girl. I heard one of my mommy friends say once, "I was just meant to be a mom of girls." I think that sums up how I feel too. IF IF IF we have another one (don't hold your collective breath Mom, Ellie, and Jessica) I would want another girl. Of course I would love a boy yada yada - but I feel like I'd have to "relearn" stuff.
However, there is one thing I really like about boys. They aren't nearly as cruel as girls. I watched a documentary the other day about a clique of girls in the 5th and 6th grades. It was so horrible it brought tears to my eyes. The worst part? I totally identified. I didn't have a whole lot of friends in upper elementary school. I went to a small private school so there was a core group of us that had literally grown up together. We were so sick of each other by the time Junior High rolled around. Everyone knew each other's business. There were a few girls who made life especially hard for me. She would come up to me and tell me my outfits were ugly or something about the way I looked. I remember how badly it hurt my feelings and crying at home for weeks. By the time I reached High School I had become close with all of the popular kids. I went to a party just about every Friday night (and before you get any ideas of me remember that these were private school parties so the craziest thing we ever did was turn on a strobe light or hold hands.) But, regardless of the cheesiness - you HAD to be invited to these parties. If you weren't you weren't cool.
Remember lunch drama? How all the cool kids sat at one table? I remember sitting there and almost swallowing my tongue I was so bored. I finally realized it was ridiculous and just sat with whomever I wanted - regardless of Cheerleader status or "IT" factor. It was one of the first times my life wasn't filled with friend drama. The boys never had this. They were pretty much all friends. If they had an issue with each other - they punched each other once or twice in the locker room and it was over. With us? It was a 3 act Shakespeare that lasted far longer than Hamlets 4 hours traffic of our stage.
I made it - relatively unscathed. I have a few really really close friends whom I would call "best" and a couple of circles of really good close friends whom I love and adore. But, there's still that seed deeeeeeeeeeep down inside of me that needs to be accepted. I "need" to know that my friends like me - that they want me around. Sometimes I find myself annoying - I have to think I annoy the people around me at times as well. It's funny how quickly those insecurities come back isn't it? I am 27 years old - and when I went to the baby group at the hospital all I did was compare myself to the women around me. "She's cuter, she's funnier, she's so put together, she's supermom, she's so thin, she does what I do - but with two!" This while I'm barely healed from a C-section and nursing around the clock, is what I spent my time thinking about. Now that all of our kids are older there's even more things to compare. And that brings me to the crux of my post (surprise surprise it took me 500 words to get to the point!) - I'm not worried that Madeline won't be able to handle girl drama - I don't think I will be able to handle girl drama. The first time someone tells Madeline that her shoes are ugly or that she doesn't want to be her friend, I don't know how I'm going to avoid walking into her classroom and breaking her legs. Hurt me all ya want - bring it on - but you even go near my baby and her delicate psyche - I will mame you. How am I going to keep myself under control?
I don't want my daughter to have these lingering feelings that I have - wondering if people like me, wondering what people see in me...... but I don't have the foggiest idea of how to change the course of her life differently than mine. Sure I could homeschool her her whole life, but then you've created a whole 'nother problem. I want her to develop thick skin, but still be sensitive to others who are hurting.
There just aren't any books on that.
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3 comments:
I can totally identify! I was not a part of the "in" crowd in school, ever. Therefore, some of my closest friends, especially at church, were guys. They were totally dependable. The girlfriend of one of my guy friends (who I did have a little crush on for a while) said all these horrible things to me and accused of me of all these things which resulted in a 3-day drama that ended up also involving her sister (another of my friends), my sister and several other girls at church! I, too, was made fun of for my clothes, my behavior, my naivety. I have had the same thoughts about Isabelle and how I will feel if she experiences similar heartache. From my experience as a teacher, I came to loathe parents that fought against everyone (peers, teachers, anyone in authority) to make things easier for their kids or to make sure things were always "fair." I know I don't want to be like that. I pray that I will handle it appropriately when the time comes!
I have been busy barfing and sleeping, but tonight I feel a bit better so I have been able to read and comment on blogs. :)
I know exactly what you mean--the female dynamic is just so unbelievable. I made a very conscious effort to teach tolerance, compassion, and understanding in my classroom. I really think it something that needs to be taught--it really isn't inborn in some kids. There are always going to be groups of friends, but it is important that everyone (especially girls) learns how to treat all of their peers equally.
Parents and teachers are the biggest influences in behavior... You will teach Madda how to be loving and caring, but strong and powerful at the same time.
I was on both sides of the female adolescent fight... I was the "in" crowd, making fun of others, etc, etc and then decided that I didn't want to go down that path. I turned myself into a bit of a loner--I was friends with everyone, but I was too cautious and independent to cling to one particular group (therefore making me a bit of an outsider).
I just hope I have another boy. HA They have problems of their own...and I would have never thought that until I taught 6th and 7th graders...
This was actually one of the posts that got me worried about the future--but in a different way. Whereas I've been thinking about the hell my daughters are going to put me thru (it comes back 3-fold, right?), I haven't stopped to think about how hard it is going to be for them. I was on the inside during grade school and jr high, but then found myself on the outside during high school (partly my own choosing, I didn't like the sabotage/hurtful gossiping that was going on and wanted no part of that). High school was hard and I wouldn't go back for anything in the world. I can only imagine that it's gotten worse as the years have gone by, and that in 13 years when our daughters are heading that way it will have continued down hill. I just hope the years that we have together will teach them that they're strong individuals who don't need to be pressured into anything they don't want to do. And that we'll have a trusing relationship where they'll feel comfortable to come to me with anything they need to talk about.
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