Where's my scythe?

Our neighbors recently left on one of their world-wide jaunts and asked us to take care of their cache of animals. (2 dogs, 2 cats) Seeing as they are THE best neighbors in the world, we were happy to oblige.

Dog number 1 - Coach - German Shepard- Coach is 319 years old and has such bad hips that she sort of hops around when she walks. It's quite heartbreaking really. Coach also likes to howl at pretty much everything - the 500 coyotes in our backyard, our dogs, blades of grass, what have you. Coach needs an Aspirin every day but she won't just eat it. So first we have to give her a piece of bacon to trick her. (No biggie, I'd do lots of things for a piece of bacon) But this bacon is raw so I am really in no way a direct threat to her bacon consumption. After the 1st strip of bacon, we wrap the aspirin up in the second piece of bacon and sneak it into her that way.

Dog number 2 - Ben - Mutt that sort of resembles a Cocker Spaniel. Ben is very loveable and the only dog on the block (of 5 houses) who can rival Sugar Baby's craziness. I have also seen with my own eyes, Ben charge a coyote. I try to sneak snacks to the dogs next door because they don't get many frivolities such as sleeping inside and "Beggin Strips." So if Austin doesn't dig them out of my pockets first, I'll sneak them one or two. However, they usually aren't interested and I am forced to sort of shove it in their mouths in one huge piece forcing them to look like Salvador Dali with their big bacon mustache.

Cats - One Orange and one Black and White. That's about all I know about them - except they obviously get along with dogs quite well.

When Steve put Madeline down to bed, I decided to go over and corral the dogs and cats into their garage for the night. It's FREEZING in Indy now so I put on my heaviest coat with hood, pulled it close to me and congratulated myself on being SUCH a good neighbor! I sneaked some treats into my pocket and head out.

As aforementioned there are literally 5 houses on my street, so we know the "goings on" of each other pretty well. As I trudged across our yard into theirs, I saw a car coming around the curve in our street. It's then that I saw myself as I must have looked to the car occupants. I'm sort of waddling because I'm in jeans and you know how horrible it is to be in jeans when you're cold. I have on a thick coat with the hood pulled down over my face and my hands shoved deeply into my pockets. (In which I found 34 cents, a mento, and a pacifier) I felt sort of like the grim reaper, come to summon the dogs into their cold garage for the night.

I flipped on the lights in the garage, expecting them all to be there - perhaps playing poker or something - but no luck. I was 0 for 4. So I start wispering "BEN! COACH! CATS!"

I continue to do this for about 2 minutes with no positve result. I start thinking about how to lure them into the garage. With my dogs treats will get you pretty much anything you want so I start shaking the treats in my hand. Then I hear a scratching at the garage door (a la the urban myth of the man on top of the car with the hook) so I sneak outside and I found myself a cat! The cat comes over to check me out so I am able to lure him/her into the garage just by letting him/her follow me in. SCORE

I keep calling for the dogs. I walk around the front of their house which is very dark and deserted and keep huffing out "BEN! COACH! DOGGIES!" I even tried pronouncing Ben like "Bin" as our neighbor does.

No luck.

I start to get worried. What if they were lost in the cornfields or if one of them had been hit by a car, or more likely in my town, a combine.

I hissed louder. "WHERE ARE YOU DOGS?!" Then I see their neighbor open their garage door. She's coming up her driveway. (Does everyone work until like 7:30?) Again I am worried about a police call. I couldn't exactly blame them.

Finally it dawns on me to check the back of the house where the dogs like to lounge about on the grass. There they both are. Chillin'.

"Come on! Let's eat some dinner!"

Ben starts to follow me - always eager for a pat. Coach isn't so sure. I keep up my motivational speech as my lips are starting to freeze. (It also doesn't help that I had a huge tooth drilled and am sort of slurring my words.) Ben goes into the garage and I try throwing treats on the ground in front of Coach to coax her in. "Go on Coach! Get the treat!" I think maybe I should throw one in her mouth first so she can taste how delicious it is and will then fetch the other one. I throw it and it bounces off her nose onto the ground.

At this point Black Cat runs out of the garage!

"Wait! Nononononono!" I scare her/him back in.

I shut us all in the cold garage and fill everyone's food and water bowls and realize I am still minus one cat.

I shut the door behind me (brilliant, I know) and hunt for Orange cat. I spot her under a pine tree. I reach down for her which apparently means "I want to kill you and eat you for dinner" in Cat language. She hissed at me. Literally hissed, like a snake. I jump back. I have 2 dogs. I don't know how to "lure" a cat to do anything. Plus we're on equal footing as she hasn't been declawed.

I go with the generic, "Heeeere Kitty Kitty!" which just brought on more hissing.

My toes are frozen together. I run in the opposite direction around the tree which just makes her go under the tree and consider climbing it. (Maybe she though it was a Christmas tree and there were priceless ornaments to be broken? No, that was my childhood cat)

Finally I sit down and call to her again. I hold out the back of my hand for her to sniff. I imagine it smelled like dinner (Chicken and rice) and our dogs. Whatever it was, it made her lick me which told me I was in like Flynn. I picked her up and plopped her down into the manger with the rest of the animals. They each went to their respective corners and settled in.

I just hope they don't get burgled tonight. That would be just my luck.