Wednesday 16 September 2009

Aha! Moment.

I'm not like the biggest Oprah fan in the world, but I do like her phrase "Aha moment." I had one not too long ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That is my harp playing, wavy screen inducing flashback symbol......

I've always said I wanted to write a memoir. I love to write, but don't have the patience to write a "real" book, though I've started many. But I'd have to call my memoir "Spins and Giggles" because the older I get the easier I see my life was as a child. My mom stayed at home raising all of us, I was the SURPRISE baby that the Doctors said she'd never have. My memories of my childhood literally consist of making cookies with my mom, and my dad pushing me on the tire swing in the back yard. We weren't rich, but we didn't go without. Because I am 10 and 12 years younger than my 3 older siblings I was spoiled rotten by all of them as well. I went to a tiny private school, have never ridden a school bus to school in my life, and took piano, ice skating, trumpet (yes trumpet) lessons. Life was easy peasy.

But there was one aspect in which my life was very different than others'. My parents did foster care. From the time I was old enough to remember, I remember a revolving door of siblings - coming and going. Social workers and policemen were just part of my upbringing. One day my parents would sit us down and tell us we were going to have a new brother/sister and within a few days - there they were. Usually a girl, and usually around my age. I loved having a playmate and was mostly ok with change, though I'm sure I vied pretty hard for my parents' attention. But, usually, just as quickly... my sister would go. We'd have maybe a week's notice, and the sister I had for the past 2 weeks/8 months/3 years would be gone.....and that was it.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I am HORRIBLY over-sensitive. Anyone who has known me for a long time knows that I've made significant strides since I was younger. So to me - the emotive, left brained, heart on her sleeve, make best friends in a day, deathly loyal person - would "lose" a sister in a week and it was so heartbreaking. I would see my parents trying to be strong, but I could tell that there were tears shed by them as well. I couldn't understand why on earth, someone would put themselves through that more than once. It was awful. What I did learn early on, despite my white-bread world, was that life was rough. That not everyone had parents who had been married for 25 years, who ate dinner together every single night, or shlepped to their child's volleyball game even though she had no hope of doing anything else besides heating up the bench. I saw children come into our home with a vast array and rainbow of hurt. I learned at six that I was one. lucky. stiff.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I still railed against my parents' rules and couldn't beLIEVE I had to be home at ten o clock and some such... but I always knew that deep down inside - I was living a dream.

When I reached High School age, my parents decided, for a vast array of reasons, to discontinue being foster care parents. I won't lie and say that I wasn't glad to once again have my parents' exclusive attention. (Can you plough the depths of my shallowness?) The older I got, the more hazy my memories became of my "different" childhood, and when I shared it with people I was always surprised at their near-obsessive interest. To me it was just the "norm." The one question I always got, was if I was going to follow in my parents' footsteps. I think my hysterical laughter answered that one straightway. Who would knowingly welcome extra tears, pain, and goodbyes into their life? Not I!

I wasn't expecting to become a parent. I was NOT one of those people who worked in the nursery at church, and babysat all the time... I didn't really like kids. Teenagers - oh I'll take them by the dozen! But little kids gave me the heebs. I was that lady in the restaurant giving your child the evil eye when they wouldn't stop screaming. But - I did become a parent - twice over even!

I remember about a year after Madeline was born, Steve and I were finishing our evening ritual of watching the ten o' clock news before going to sleep. There was a story about a baby almost exactly Madeline's age who had been left in her crib, in her carseat for 3 days. By the time the police were contacted the baby was barely alive. (I am being extremely kind in not going into graphic detail.) I listened in horror as they described how long the baby must have cried, how desperately hungry she was - how loudly she must have screamed to finally get the neighbors' attention.

I was beside myself in tears. I remember turning to my husband and saying, "Don't you just want to go get that baby, and just hold her for hours straight? To give her a nice warm bath and soft clothes - to snuggle her and sing to her and give her all the love that she was denied? Just tell her that for as long as she's in your house she will never want for anything?"

Aha!


Monday 14 September 2009

Tuesday 8 September 2009

Perspective

There are two things that strangers always assume wrongly about me:

1. I work out
2. I am a Democrat

Now I don't know which of these is more hilarious to me as I can't really imagine myself doing EITHER one. (OK, I am lying a little because I HAVE been sneaking in some yoga now that I have a zillion pounds of baby weight to lose).

Before Madeline I was pretty thin, so I guess people just assumed that, like most people who were thin, I jogged and elliptical-ed and ate right. Then, they see a day in my life and realize that they couldn't have been more wrong. In fact, prior to my pregnancy my diet consisted mostly of pizza, 1/4 pound fudge from South Bend Chocolate, and Cap'n Crunch. My exercise was occasionally taking the stairs to my second floor job, and the 3 block walk to my downtown office to avoid paying 6 bucks in parking fees - but that was because I was cheap.

Now the Democrat thing....I don't know where people get that. Maybe because I am young?Who was it that said something like "If you're not a Democrat while you're young you don't have a heart, and if you're not a Republican when you're old you don't have a brain." (Thanks to Stephanie my token Donkey friend for sharing that with me BTW) I remember having lunch with a friend of mine from the Center on Philanthropy when I worked for the BBB and we were discussing the upcoming election. When I told him I was a Republican (this of course being before my Libertarian light came on) he about fell out of his chair. It's like he couldn't reconcile it in his brain. Maybe because my job was so heavily involved in community and philanthropy? Well anyway, it was just interesting to me that he (and many others) just assumed I was a Democrat. I can't imagine that I give off that vibe.

Being a mother has brought with it stereotypes of its own. I hate to admit they were the very ones I believed before I had children of my own. One of the biggest being that Stay at Home Moms choose that particular vocation because 1) it was easier 2) they didn't have any other options. HA HA HA. Oh my ignorance...... 1)Can't think of ANY profession that's harder and 2) Um, yes they do....in fact all of the SAHMs I know are college educated, smart, beautiful women who CHOSE to give up their high paying, important, fulfilling jobs. But I hate it when i get the vibe when I tell someone I'm a SAHM and they think I'm doing so cause my gas-station job didn't pan out for me. But I guess that's karma for me!

When Steve and I found out we were pregnant with our second child we both really wanted to try for a VBAC. I had very very strong feelings about my first birth experience and wanted desperately to avoid it the second time round. I did hours upon hours of research on how to take a proactive role in my pregnancy - hiring a doula and crafting a birth plan. When one of my husband's co-workers heard that I wasn't just opting for another C-Section she was surprised. Upon hearing we were hiring a doula she asked my husband if we were going to have a homebirth.

um me? homebirth? HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE hospitals. I love having people bring me delicious food round the clock, I love having a nurse just a beep away if I have any questions. Also, even by ambulance the nearest hospital to me is still quite a while away. Though I have no problem with people opting to have a homebirth - it was just not the choice for me. But I thought that was interesting. She assumed because we were taking a slightly "off the beaten path" approach to having a baby that we would be giving birth to said baby in our very own bathroom. To me those things are about 2308239471987 steps apart.

Oh, and breastfeeding. To me - it's just a normal part of having a baby. No, not everyone chooses to do it, but it's not like the people who did it 30 years ago when hardly anyone did it. But when I shared that I was nursing with an acquaintance of mine she said, "Thats great! I was a third-world mother too!" Which I just assumed meant that breastfeeding was not the norm. Third world? So because I wear my baby in a sling, breastfeed, and occasionally co-sleep - I'm a granola-eating, Birkenstock wearing, recycling, composting, left leaning woman?

I guess I say all this to say .....Does everything have to be one way or the other? Can I not be a Republican who composts and makes her own baby wipes? Don't get me wrong - anyone who knows me well, will tell you I am a black and white, 0 or 100 type person - but I guess I hate being defined by one or two things that I do. I go to church - therefore I must be a crazy hypocritical religious nut, I nursed my children - therefore I must not bathe on a regular basis. (Ok so getting a shower every day is still a lofty goal but you know what I'm trying to say) I'm a Republican therefore I don't care about landfills or the less fortunate. I guess I just hoped that by 2009 we'd all be a little less stereotype- beholden and more..... potpourri.